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Not a member yet? then you can get on board with an Account here, Sign Up Free!Already a member? Login HereSuperman 7 January 2009 3:48 PM - 0 comments
SUPERMAN
Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.
He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"
"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."
"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.
He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.
"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."
Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."
He again flew away.
While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!
Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"..said, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"
Mirror, Mirror 7 January 2009 11:59 AM - 1 comments
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch.
Does she care how much I'll itch?
Take the razor and lather up,
Gawd that bitch is so corrupt!
Doesn't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls and cut off my dick?
Easy now, hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head... get ridda the hair.
So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby, they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes, get in the groove!"
She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby... ain't giving no head!"
She rolls on over and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off, I'm about to crack!
Next day, it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair.
Goblin 6 January 2009 9:15 AM - 0 comments
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Lazy Husband 5 January 2009 2:26 PM - 0 comments
"Will you please fix the cabinet in the kitchen? It's been barely holding on to it's hinges for weeks now."
He replies "Does it say 'carpenter' on my forehead?"
Surprised, she lets it go and returns to her housework. As she begins to clean the bathroom, she notices that the lever is getting stuck. She yells from the bathroom,
"Honey, the toilet's lever is stuck again! Can you fix it?"
She comes into the living room to find him reading the paper. He responds to the puzzled look on her face with...
"Do I have "plumber" written on my forehead?"
The next day, her husband comes home from work to find the Cabinet fixed, the toilet fixed, and a chipper spouse making the bed in the master bedroom.
"Who fixed everything?"
"A kind young gentleman came by today, said he was a handyman and asked if I needed anything done around the house. When he finished, he said I couldn't pay him with cash because I don't keep it around the house. He mentioned that was fine and that I could pay him by sucking his dick or cooking him a good meal."
"What did you cook for him?"
"Does it say "chef" of my forehead?"
No pussy 4 January 2009 12:22 PM - 1 comments
---
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "So whos gunna tell Dad hes getting no pussy?"
Voodoo Dildo 3 January 2009 11:15 AM - 1 comments
This 1 is funny!
A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.
On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.
"Your looking for something special?"
"Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat"
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.
"Whats so special about that?" asks the man
"Watch... Voodoo dildo door"
To the mans suprise the dildo rises from the box and starts fucking the keyhole of the door.
"Voodoo dildo box"
The dildo stops and drops back into its box.
"Thats amazing i'll take it"
After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face.
The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.
"Voodoo dildo my pussy"
The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No" The now destrought woman replys
"A voodoo dildo is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed"
"Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My arse"
1 Liner 2 January 2009 12:56 PM - 1 comments
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
The gurl has to chew before she swallows
Free Drinks 31 December 2008 9:20 AM - 1 comments
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"
Cheating dad 31 December 2008 9:16 AM - 0 comments
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Blind man 31 December 2008 9:13 AM - 0 comments
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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