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In an elevator! 7 January 2009 10:54 PM - 2 comments

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge
dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the
small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis,
3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Dissuasion! 7 January 2009 10:52 PM - 0 comments

The beautiful secretary of the president of the
Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a
very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks
her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her;
"Don't reject the guy outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade
the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man,
"I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring,
with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile.
Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy,
the woman says to the man,
"I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York.
As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle
of the best wine county in France."

The man pauses for awhile.
He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York,
then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
"Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition,
the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes,
looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands
and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever,
the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!"

Don't try this at home! 7 January 2009 10:51 PM - 1 comments

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one
turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what
else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,
I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway,
shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells
at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed,
slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . .
and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

Technological Doctor 7 January 2009 10:47 PM - 1 comments

One day, a man complained to his friend,
"My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
And it only costs $10.00."

The guy figured he had nothing to lose,
so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some
noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause,
out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever,
he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer,
poured in this sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights,
and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never
get better!

No sex since 1955... 7 January 2009 6:05 AM - 0 comments

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.
You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against
his bare chest and said,
'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice,
after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

Never end your sentence with a preposition. 6 January 2009 9:59 AM - 0 comments

A man’s 60th birthday got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the shaman, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, '"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected." You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want.'

He was encouraged. As he walked away, he asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.'

He was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.

And then she asked, ... 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, ladies and gentlemen , is why you should never end your sentences with a preposition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guts or Balls 6 January 2009 9:23 AM - 0 comments

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Technically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

Hehehehe

Tom and Harry - Twin Husbands 6 January 2009 7:22 AM - 0 comments

There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that Harry’s wife died the same day Tom’s boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. You must be feeling terrible.”

Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said “Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn’t very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle”

The old woman fainted hearing all this.

giggles =P

Old man don�t eat peanut 5 January 2009 3:04 PM - 1 comments

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

“Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man replies. “Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate

off the M&M’s.”

Home Movies in My Mind 5 January 2009 6:45 AM - 1 comments

images rushing
faster nearer
bodies touching
focus clearer

a puddle
a memory
it's amazing
just how childish we could be

late night walks
walks on the beach
this vision so close
yet out of reach

of laughter
so real so free
who could've made you smile
was it really me

bike rides
anytime anyplace
another release
from the rat race

with a impish grim
a mischievous glance
my god I remember
now that was romance

as I awake from my daydream
once again I find
I've been reviewing
home movies in my mind

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